My last date advised that I had started to study. I am not doing well. The course work is easy to do, but my motivation is small and my heart is heavy.
I spend my days on the couch researching everything baby. I want a baby. Its all I want, but I know that if my husband and I start trying no only after 8 months of marriage we will long for the time we didn’t get together just us.
But I want a baby in my arms. A lady from our church just had a baby girl and instead of being overjoyed I cried. Not just little tears but an entire afternoon of sobbing (that literally just happened.) I know that I’m not ready to be a Mum and that my husband isn’t ready for a bub just yet but its all I want.
Maybe the idea of a baby is what I’m after so I don’t have to think about my study. Maybe I think I can only be good at being a Mum and nothing more. I want a little person of my own. But I think to the future and see the little getaways just hubby and me and that looks so wonderful, however my days are marked longing for a little one.
I need to re motivate myself back into study. So I can work, make all the $$$ and keep my mind off babies.